She told me that she never liked her smile. I thought she had the most beautiful smile in the world. In fact, that’s one of the things that I remember about her the most: her beautiful smile. Although our relationship was far from ideal, she seemed happy whenever she was with me.
After our relationship ended, I learned that she was angry at a lot of things that I did during our relationship. This news took me by surprise, and I couldn’t understand why she never spoke up and said anything to me.
“Out of respect for you,” she said.
虽然从某种意义上说，我很感激她一部分的姿态，我也觉得稍微上当受骗。
As I reflected back on our relationship, I remembered moments where she seemed upset or angry, but I wasn’t sure. I often felt like she was good at managing her anger because she came back to smiling so quickly after being upset. She sometimes made sarcastic remarks about things she was unhappy with, but I didn't think about it as anything more than conversation.
现在回想起来，我意识到她表现出典型的被动攻击行为。
惠特森SIGNE一书的合着者，The Angry Smile: The Psychology of Passive-Aggressive Behavior in Families, Schools, and Workplaces告诉我，在电话采访中说，“被动攻击行为是取得在别人后面没有那个人知道的故意隐藏的方式。”
How people develop passive-aggressive behavior
“它来自两件事情之一，”惠特森说。“它可以从一个固定的家表达愤怒有人担心或家庭，每个人都有望外观完美的世界长大的成长表现。在这两种情况下，表达愤怒被视为一个消极的东西。”
Young girls, for instance, are often taught that "good girls don't get angry." Regardless of where it comes from, people who behave passive-aggressively have hidden anger. They also frequently have:
Trouble being assertive
No close, authentic, or genuine relationships
An inability to be emotionally honest
惠特森接着描述两种类型的通过ive-aggressive behavior:情景被动攻击行为，其中一个冲突，争论，斗争，或存在异议期间发生;和hidden revenge, which occurs through subtle power moves to manipulate others into acting out their anger.
How to defuse passive-aggressive behavior
For those on the receiving end, it can feel like an emotional roller coaster: you never know what to expect. In many instances, you end up questioning yourself. Here are some steps you can take to avoid that roller coaster:
Awareness:Learn the symptoms and red flags. Also remember that when you explode on someone who is behaving passive-aggressively towards you, you confirm that person's belief that anger is dangerous.
Stay calm:This is much easier said than done
Be assertive and direct:它命名的情绪是很重要的。例如，说“如果你现在是生我的气，我不知道。”记得要温柔和非对抗性的。
“When you follow the above steps, keep in mind that the person exhibiting the behavior may deny it at first,” says Whitson. “Expect this because they have spent their whole life doing it.”
If you are consistent with this process, you validate the idea that expressing anger is okay. Repetition will also help the person build a relationship of honesty and authenticity with you.
Why it’s important to learn about this
Here are three reasons why you should find out more about passive-aggressive behavior.
It exists everywhere
它跨越文化，种族和社会经济背景
- 每个人都在一段时间或其他表现出它
即第三点是关键的，并且再次强调我们都这样做。
As I finish up writing this article, I am thinking about the relationship that I mentioned at the beginning. In the spirit of transparency, I have to admit that I behaved passive-aggressively toward her as well. There were a lot of things that she did that made me angry that I never expressed to her. In fact, I subtly did mean things, perhaps unconsciously, to let her know that I was mad at her.
Why didn’t I express my anger?
我没有表达出来，因为她是我的生活，在我心中的爱，真正的爱没有，你表达愤怒的时刻。但直到我意识到我是多么天真的事实之后。什么，因为我学到的是能够表达愤怒是一个健康的关系的重要组成部分。
我常常在想，如果我们仍然会在一起，如果我们有表达我们的愤怒都觉得舒服。
有一两件事，不过，我知道肯定：我很想念她的笑容。